Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
