If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize