i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
