wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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