Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
