i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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