I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
