worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
