What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
