really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
