next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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