You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
