if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
