Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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