I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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