I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
