So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
