I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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