The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
