why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize