Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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