When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
