is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
