I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
