DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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