apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
