My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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