I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
