That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize