My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
