It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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