TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
