if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize