I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
