I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
