i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
