I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
