Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
