i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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