I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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