Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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