don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
