:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
