My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
