If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
