Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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