i jhust puked up my retainher.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
