I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
