she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
