i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
