I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
