my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
