Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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