Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
