Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
