i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
