Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
