Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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